The Problem with Subjectivity

No matter how often Jon and I think of each other, or how empathetic and understanding we try to be, we still find ourselves slaves to our own world view. We base reality on our own experiences and beliefs. One time, I went on 3 vacations in a row before Jon had the opportunity to go on one. But somehow I still found it unfair that when he finally caught a break I had to work. Another example is, sometimes I like to stay out quite late with my friends in Germany; while it seems strange to me that Jon might get a little jealous about this, I find myself experiencing the exact same feelings when he informs me that he will be out until 3 a.m. singing karaoke and hanging out with friends. In a long-distance relationship, this is especially complicated. Jealousy and doubt appear regularly in the most unforeseen places. 

"Why didn’t you tell me, you were going to that event next weekend? It would be nice to know the things you've been planning", he says. 

"No Jon, I simply didn’t get around to telling you about it. We rarely get to talk in the first place because of the time change and this was not a priority topic," I defensively reply.  

"You don't think informing me that you are flying to Budapest for a weekend getaway is a priority topic?!", he agitatedly retorts. 

And suddenly we have found ourselves in an argument neither of us saw coming. I thought we were both excited just to be able to talk on the phone. But, like a night-time hiker approaching an unforeseen giant hole in the ground, we find ourselves in danger of 'falling off the cliff'. But we do have options on how to go from there. We can either recognize that we are approaching danger and take each other's hand and make the relationship better, or see the cliff as an opportunity to push the other one over.  

Jon and I are highly energetic and stubborn people. So it can be difficult for us to realize that the most important thing in these tense moments is the relationship, not Jon's pride or mine. We have often had to catch ourselves mid-sentence to review if what was going to be said would only be said because our pride was hurt. If so, was it really worth hurting the relationship because of hurt pride? No, it never is. If I start blaming Jon for something he did (intentionally or unintentionally), he would become defensive about it and maybe never change. I would be attacking my partner, not the problem. If Jon started yelling at me because he understood something differently than how I meant it, we would never get to actually talk about the actual situation. Instead, we would enter the blame-game, all at the expense of our relationship. A simple question and then patiently listening will and has solved most of these moments. This requires some practice, but it does pay off. 

Misunderstandings have the opportunity to turn into understandings. Problems actually get solved if we attack the problem and not each other. It’s important to know how to fight in a relationship. Disagreements and arguments will be part of a healthy relationship, and they are not a bad thing if you don't turn them into an attack. Iron sharpens iron, and when the iron is being sharpened, sparks fly. Nobody should be a push-over in a relationship.  Partners need to seek an understanding of one another because, in a fight, you will always have a winner and a loser. And honestly, it never feels good to lose or win against someone you love.

So... Jon and I have come to realize that long-term, it’s better for our pride to take a hit from time to time than to hit the relationship.